The Pessimist

Hmm... Stuff?

Thu, 12 Jul 2007 02:41:37 GMT

Hey there-

Well, it's been a while. To say the least. Since my last post I've had a few jobs (none of which I still have), bought a van (which blew up), and moved out of SF (and then back). The first job was at Safeway, but I quit because the uniform was ugly. Then I was offered a supposed "customer service" job with Kirby, which ended up being a door-to-door sales job that totally sucked. (Big surprise.) So I quit. All of which was very frustrating, so Angelo and I decided to try moving back to Eureka for a job I was offered. But, it only lasted three days. (Apparently it was only temporary due to a busy season, but my slacking off may have encouraged them to let me go. Oh well.) Then I was picked up on a warrant for missing an old court date and got to spend twenty days in the county jail waiting for a trail which was eventually dropped due to lack of evidence. After that we bummed around Eureka for a few weeks pissing off at least one fat tweaker (now ex-)friend who decided (after offering us a place to hang-out) that we were too much of a hassle to have around. So eventually, we decided to try heading to Santa Cruz. However, on the way, our van died and stranded us in Fortuna for a few days. Apparently the head gasket broke. After which we just ditched the van (luckily it was never registered in our names) and bought bus tickets back here. So we called our old landlady (who we still owed about $1000) and she was nice enough to not only let us move back in, but even pick us up at the bus station. (Too cool!) So now we're justing getting back in the swing of the city life, and working on finding income. (If only I'd start waking up earlier.) Oh, and I even called my Dad the other day to argue about the fact that since coming out as trans he won't let me speak with my little sister. He seems to think I have no idea what I'm doing and that this is only a phase. I guess he's just in for a long disappointment. Anyway, I've got to get off this library computer so I guess I'll keep this short for now. Thanks for reading. Talk to you later.

xoxo
Jami

Life

Sat, 10 Feb 2007 01:35:38 GMT

Hey kids-

How's it going? Well, I'm pretty good. Just working hard to try and get things together. It looks like I may start a job with a local staffing agency at local conventions working the registration booth. I met a cool guy who does all the hiring there and he offered me a position if I'm interested. It's only part-time but it's a start. I'm also applying at some local retails spots (The Apple Store, Virgin Megastore, Rasputin Music, Hot Topic, etc.) so maybe one of those will work out also. Anyway, here's hoping. Plus, Angelo and I have been staying at the same place for a few months now. It's a nice residential hotel for students, but the management likes us and doesn't mind that we're not in school. Maybe sometime in the future we will be, but for now we're just trying to get jobs. It's a cool place though. Unlike many places, we have a private bathroom with a shower (yeah!) and they have cable and wireless internet. (Which is cool because last month we finally bought a notebook.) Other than that, I'm excited because I should have more hormones and my first laser hair removal session soon. (Double yeah!) Oh, and I'm working on getting a digital camera so I can post some more casual pics. (I don't want everything to think I always look like a dom.) Anyway, I guess that's about it for now, but I'll try and post more just to keep in touch.

xoxo
Jami

Note To Self

Tue, 09 Jan 2007 14:31:03 GMT

Cut back. Hmm... where to begin. Well, last night was pretty lame. I woke up at 8pm and figured it was early enough I should try and make some money. Well, that wasn't too hard. I updated my CL post and (as usual) my phone started ringing. So I want out. Anyway, it was a pretty lame experience. Nothing serious, just a little too much gagging on my part. Whoops. So, the whole time I'm reminding myself I can go relax afterwards. Well, the liquor stores had closed so I went downtown to get some chiva (and something for my roommate...) anyway, it didn't look like much, but there weren't many people out, so I didn't complain (much). Well, it didn't feel like much either. Still, the liquor stores opened in a couple hours so I just forced myself to wait for something (a little) less harmful. Then at 6am, Angelo and I went to get some JD. Well, I'm feeling a little better, but I still think I need to remind myself that once I care so much I should lay off the shots for a while. So, I did, but a part of me still wishes I had more. I think this is a bad sign. I need to behave. (At least for a few days at a time.) So I'm making this post to remind myself. Hmm... I wonder if it will make a difference? Maybe I've already given in too much. Hmm... I guess I'll find out. Damn, that sounds like a weak response. Oh well, time to get strong or give in. I wish I could say I feel like being strong.

Jami

BTW - This is more of a personal note than anything... but still, feel free to comment. Maybe it will make a difference?!?

I'm Back!!!

Sat, 06 Jan 2007 02:37:46 GMT

What's up kids?

Hmm... it's been a while. Well, just like the rest of my year the last three months were intense. But, I'm starting to get use to it. (Maybe even crave it.) Anyway, I don't even know where to start. Hmm... well I got a notebook yesterday. It's hella nice and I feel spoiled. I probably should have spent more of the money on Laser Hair Removal but, easy come, easy go. I guess that will just keep me more motivated to keep working. I can't take everyday off. (Though I definitely get my fair share.) New Year's Eve was fun. Angelo and I went to the fireworks show on the waterfront. The news said there were about 100,000 people there (some from overseas), so we figured the least we could do was walk the few blocks. It was pretty cool though. Especially since we were hella drunk. Then on the way home we did our best to cause havoc. You know, the immature punk stuff, knocking over newspaper boxes, blocking moving traffic, screaming obscenities, spitting on cars that got in our way, etc. Yeah, I know, how lady-like. Oh, and my new place is really nice. It's still a hotel, but it caters to local students, so it's well kept, has cable, wi-fi internet access, and really cool management. In other words, it's much nicer than the first three places I'd stayed. Plus Angelo is staying with me, so we have a lot of fun together and help each other with the rent and other bills (food, liquor, cigarettes, and drugs.) Oh, and speaking of drugs, cheva is good. Yep, I said it. (Notice I'm not ashamed of anything. If it feels good and you can handle yourself then do it.) Well, my delivery just arrived (Jack Daniel's, Marlboro's, and Blow). So, I gotta go get fucked up. Peace Bitches!!

xoxo
Jami

Hey Kids!

Wed, 11 Oct 2006 03:57:45 GMT

How's it going?

I'm good. Yeah, I know, you don't think so. But really, I'm good. Things have been hella fun lately. I've met a bunch of cool people (and some lame ones) and I had a good weekend (fun and profitable). Hmm... other than that, I got a GameCube and nine games the other day. I was going to wait for the Wii, but I'm too impatient. Still, if everything goes well, I'll just buy one once they come out. Oh, plus, since all the GC games are backwards compatible I can still play them. Hey, have you played Donkey Konga. It's hella fun. So is Lego Star Wars. It's cheesy, but that's the fun of it. Plus, my friend Lu from Eureka is going to come spend Halloween down here. We're going to The Cramps show at The Fillmore. I bought tickets yesterday. It should rock. Hmm... what else is new. I met this really hot French guy this weekend. We got carried away. Like about nine hours worth of carried away. Well, we did take about an hour break in the middle to discuss the differences between the US and France. Still, way, way, WAY too much fun. (Sigh!) Apparently he's really into transgirls (he said he's been with about two dozen) but he also said he's never been more turned on by one. (Oh yeah, I know I'm good.) Hmm... well, I can't really think of anything else new. Oh, the nearby mall is really nice. They have a Rubio's (you know, the fish taco place from San Diego) and it's hella good. I had to eat there the other day and then call and brag to my ex (who is originally from SD). Yeah well, I guess that's it from now. I'll be sure to update my LJ more often once I get a laptop. (Hopefuly soon.) Keep in touch kids.

Much love,
Jami

(Oh, and call me. I'm always happy to chat with friends. Especially considering I have unlimited minutes (and text messages) on my new cell phone. 415-368-9926)

Still breathing

Fri, 06 Oct 2006 00:46:15 GMT

That's right. I'm not dead yet. Ha! As if any of you expected that. Well, it's been a decent week. I made more than enough to eat and pay next week's rent. Plus, I'm getting closer to having enough to pick up a notebook. (I mean come on I deserve a new toy now and then. No, not that kind of toy.) Oh, plus as soon as I can make it to the mall, I'm going to reserve a Wii. They just look like too much fun. Plus I can plug it into the TV and use it as a CD player. (See, I can be practical.) Hmm... what else is new? Umm... this sweet guy named Carlos (who could barely speak english) was very giving with his coca. What a sweetheart. Oh, plus some guy named Guicci was kind with his "Crys" today. (What a liar... it was rock.) Anyway, at least I'm not tired. (Well, now that I think of it, I'm really tired. That was over an hour ago. Damn rock for not lasting long enough.) Still, don't anyone worry. I still haven't bought any drugs for myself. (Though I'm feeling weaker. Some cheap, high-quality crystal does sound tempting. I mean, at least I wouldn't waste money on food. Plus, I could use to lose a few pounds. Hmm...) Well whatever, I'll probably just buy more cheap whiskey. Other than that, my only complaint is cheap bastards who think my phone is a free sex line. No, I'm not working to get you off over the phone. If you want me to talk dirty to you, show up. All right, now that I got that out, I guess I'm done. Well kids, keep in touch. Oh and don't worry, I'm just surviving. I mean I used to be a successful electrician, but now that my legs were cut out from under me by my fucking family (my psychiatrist's words, except the "fucking" part), this is what I have left. I'm not going to quit. I'll survive however I can. Oh, and I will not ask for help. The last time I expected some support I was fucked by those who were supposed to care. At least now I'm just getting fucked by strangers. I mean we both know what it's about, and we're both content with that. Oh well, fuck this world. Literally!

Still here (after all this, what can stop me),
Jami

Life in the big city

Mon, 02 Oct 2006 23:44:57 GMT

Well, I'm still here. So far, so good. The weekend was boring and fun. (Interesting how those two can come together, huh?) Yeah, Friday night, was pointless. Saturday was fun but not profitable, and Sunday was very good. Oh, plus the Cowboys won. YEA!!! And so far, today has been alright. I went to T.R.A.N.S., met up with a friend, smoked a bowl, returned, and took an intake survey. Wow. Now they know everything about me. Kind of like you kids. Well, I never was in to keeping secrets anyway. Hmm... what more to say. It seems that's pretty much it. Oh, I reposted my Craigslist ad. That's always important. I mean, I've got to stay near the top. Oh, other than that. Umm... I'm considering going to the mall. It's about time for some new clothes. Well, I know more interesting things happened, but I guess all the whiskey and blow has me forgetting. Oh well, maybe next time.

Jami

Back in the city!

Sat, 30 Sep 2006 02:59:48 GMT

So, last night was crazy. Two stiff bastards (no, like the lacking in money variety) and then lame roommates. Apparently, meeting people like half a mile away, is considered bringing people to the house. Hmm... I'm confused. Oh well, it motivated me to get my own hotel in the city for a week. So, now I have a week here to manifest KAOS! Uh oh. Plus, the city has so many cool resources. Like places to see free doctors, get free hormones, eat free lunch, and hang-out in cool community spaces, like our bad-ass library, the LGBT Center, and the 'Transgender Resources And Neighborhood Space.' I'd say I miss Martinez, but no. Though I do miss Kat. (Shh! Don't tell. :) Well anyway, I just thought I'd give you kids the quick update. I'll be in touch.

Jami

See... I can be good, kinda.

Thu, 28 Sep 2006 20:43:00 GMT

Okay, so I'm in Martinez. Yea! It's nice to be in a house with people you like. Plus, it's mellowed me out a bit. Well, yeah, at least a little. Kat and Sarah have been totally kind, and we have fun when we hang-out. (Though we all have totally different schedules and end up sleeping at different hours.)

So I'm sure all you worried people will be happy to hear I'm not doing drugs. (Well, except good old JD and Marlboro's.) As I'd mentioned, I was just causing as much trouble as possible while in the city. But still, my streak remains intact, I haven't purchased any (illegal) drugs (for myself) all year.

Other than that, I'm still looking for a real job. You know, something other than minimum wage. And I'm still making money when and where I can. (Which is becoming very easy. Plus, the free dinners, drinks, and occasional hot tubs, don't hurt.) Still, I feel bad for some guys. They seem very lonely and overworked. (And, many are just flaky as hell.)

Hey, but I got a new cell phone. Yea! I haven't had a cell phone in like five years. I mean in Eureka they're all overpriced and have crappy service. But here, $50 a month gets you as much of anything (minutes, texts, long distance, photos, etc.) as you can use. Cool! Still, that's a good thing because my phone doesn't seem to stop ringing most nights. I mean even at like 1:30a. Come on guys. A girl's got to sleep now and then. Never mind, I'm not complaining.

But hopefully, I'll have enough for Laser Hair Removal soon. Then maybe a notebook. Or a cheap car. Hmm... or a bed, once I get my own room. (Alright Ken, you said you were leaving, now get the hell out.) The possibilities are endless.

But ironically, I'm feeling quite happy; very flattered and rather empowered. Is that weird? Ah, whatever. Time to get cleaned up for the day. (Yeah, this sleeping 'til noon thing doesn't hurt either.)

Jami

Lovefest Rocks!!!

Sun, 24 Sep 2006 00:44:54 GMT

Wow! Way too much fun. And it's free. Rock on. I'm still trying to catch up with Yola, but damn I'm having fun. It's sweet partying with like 75,000 people and not having anyone be uncomfortable. I love this city.

Jami

Lovefest Rocks!

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 22:37:56 GMT

Whoo! Lovefest is supercool. I only have a minute, but it's been ridiculous. Umm... yeah, how to explain. Umm... way cool. Grandmaster Flash, James Lavelle, A+D, D:Fuse, Hybrid, Lee Burridge, Hyper, Adrian Roberts, Benni Bennasi, Bad Boy Bill, DJ Dan, DJ RAP, Christopher Lawrence, Rennie Pilgram, and a bunch people I've never heard of. So far, so good. Anyway, I've got to get back to the party, I just stopped hear for a map and lineup. See you kids. Not to brag, but... you should be here.

Love ya,
Jami

Okay, I swear, I'm going to be good soon.

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 20:41:52 GMT

Hmm... well, I know most of you think I'm going a little overboard, but I'm not the type to hold back things, so here's what I've been up to.

Yesterday, Yola (a gurl from Hollywood, I've been hanging-out with) and I wandered around for a while, got a free lunch and then headed separate directions. Both kind of looking for some 'company.' Well, I found some. I was walking to 'Divas' just after leaving the library, and not two blocks away, some guy asked if I'd like a drink. What the hell. So we go into this Irish bar, and he starts buying me Jack and Cokes. Mmm. My fave. Well, in the process, he tells me how he likes to party. And then discloses he's a fan of crack. Hmm... hadn't done that in a while. So, after drinks, he gets us a cab, and takes me to dinner. How sweet. Mandarin food is always best when it's free. Then he stops and buys a bottle of JD (thanks, honey), some soda, a couple pipes, and $150 of crack. Whoa! Big spender. Damn, and the last person, I'd seen buy rock never spent more than $20. Well anyway, so yeah... it wasn't bad. Better then the Meth the night before. Plus, no crappy hangover (though that was probably from the combo of Whiskey, Meth & an Estrogen shot). Still, he ended up getting completely geeked. Like he could hardly talk, or understand what I was saying. (Okay, one more drug that proves why it's got such a bad rep. Note to self, no more rock. Well, at least regularly. I mean everything in moderation. Right?) Anyway, he decides I should go buy him more. HAHA! Dumbass. Okay, me, on a corner, shopping for rock. Not cool. Anyway, he gives me $90, but he only thought he gave me $50. Thanks for the tip, sweetheart. None the less, I don't want to buy a $50 rock alone. So I find some homeless guy, and offer to give him some, if he can find me $25 worth. He tells me to keep the $5, we'll get the same amount either way. We walk like eight blocks, and finally find his friend this (pretty cute) Mexican guy. (I think I have a thing for Mexicans.) Well, he was clearly checking me out and hooked me up with a pretty decent amount for $20. So I give the homeless guy one of the three rocks, and buy him a shot, on the way back to where I met him. Then I go back to my room, and give (what was his name?) what I got. He claims it looks a little small for $50. I explain he shouldn't have sent me alone, because "I don't know what $50 worth looks like." Whatever, we smoke it. He mellows out.

Then Yola calls. My friend decides he needs more rock. (Damn fiend!) So Yola comes and picks up some money from him. (This time he decides he wants $35 worth. All the money he can find.) Then the bad news. I call Yola about fifteen minutes later to make sure the downstairs front door isn't locked. A cop answers. Okay, I just dialed the wrong number, right? I call back. Same cop. He asked if I'm looking for (legal name withheld for privacy) to which I respond "Yes." He says, "Sorry mam, he's being detained for drug possession. He'll be released on his own recognizance in eighteen hours." Fucking weak. Now I'm feeling totally guilty for even letting this guy send her out. He claims that's just the way it goes. Inconsiderate asshole! So he starts diggin through his pockets. Oh no! Don't even play. Well he digs out 8 bucks and $1.15 in change, and tells me to go find him a $10 rock. You've got to be kidding me. Well, I'm a little pissed at this point so I'm happy to get the fuck away from him. Anyway, I take his money, go eat a slice of pizza, and walk to 'Divas.'

Well, the place it packed. I guess all the really, really hot trannys go there on Friday nights. Like, you've got to have fake tits to get in the door, kind of thing. (Well, without paying. I mean, you know I'm getting used to not paying for things.) So I hang-out and smoke a couple cigarettes, then three cop cars show up. This pisses off the owner. A couple minutes later, after they've left, he comes outside and starts bitching at me. "I know you girls just come hear to drag my customers away. Go home! You're not welcome here." Of course I explain I was just smoking a cigarette and hoping to meet a nice guy. (Mostly true.) Well, I chill for a minute, just to piss him off. Then after he's gone back inside for a few minutes, I head back to the room.

Once, I get there I tell that guy, that I gave the $9.15 to someone who said they had to walk up an alley to pickup. Then they never came back. "See, I told you not to send me alone." Mmm, that was good pizza. He starts scrapping the pipes, just to get his last fix. Then he passes out on the floor. Great. I secure anything valuable, in my pillow, (along with my third-string knife) and sleep for a few hours. I wake up before him. Listen to the radio, and when he awakens, he leaves. Whoo! Luckily all, I had to do was help spend that guys money.

Alright, so now it's Saturday. Lovefest should have started outside by now, and I'm going to watch some awesome DJs for free. Oh yeah! So tonight should be fun. It'll be my last night of recklessness in the city, before I head back to Martinez. (Thanks Katrina, Sarah, and Barry. I love you three.) So who knows what might happen. Plus, I have to call Yola, around 5:00p or 6:00p when she gets out. She's gonna be pissed. But still, she needs to get her clothes, and I need my outfit she was wearing back. Maybe I can take out to dinner or something. It's the least she deserves. Plus, she was planning on leaving town tomorrow. What a lame way to go out. "Sigh!" Well kids, wish me luck. Time for LoveFest.

Jami

I've been a very bad girl.

Sat, 23 Sep 2006 00:38:49 GMT

Hmm... I only have a few minutes left on this computer, but I have to confess. Umm... yeah... I've been very, very bad. Okay, I have to make this short so let me try.

Wednesday night, I ran into Dante again. We had a good time, well at first. Unfortunately, I was rather drunk and passed out afterward. He decided that was his chance to empty my wallet of the last of my money. What a sweetheart. Then Yola, got back with a couple interesting things. The first was a bottle of liquid estrogen. We both took shots. (From clean needles, of course.) The other was... umm... well, it's that dirty shit that tweakers do. Whoops. I know I'm bad. And the next day I totally felt like shit, so I'm intentionally staying clear of that. But damn, the meth in this town is much stronger than the shit in Eureka. Okay, on to the next bad things. Her dealer was cute. So we... umm... I think you see where this is going. Yeah, but it was fun.

Then he leaves and we decide to go look for some 'company.' Well, we found it. Right outside 'Divas.' I didn't even have time to finish my cigarette. Well, this electrician guy (who I probably found to be so cute, because he reminded me of all my 'shop boys') buys me a couple drinks, and then takes me to the hot tubs. Umm... and yeah. You can probably leave that up to your imagination. But he tipped well. Bad Jami! That's a VERY BAD JAMI!!!

Okay, so I meet up with Yola, she introduces me to her friend Mike. Mike is hot. We get back to the room and go at it for about four hours. I don't think anyone in the building got to sleep. Well, the window was open, and I was not quite. Still, damn he was good. Like the best I've had. Still here's the bad part. Well, in the morning, Yola, had to meet with a friend, and I went to the bathroom. (Which is down the hall.) Well Mike left, with my knife, and any money he could find. Yeah, I know. Never let your guard down. Don't trust anyone. Plus, maybe it's my Karma for misbehaving. Well anyway, luckily I still had $130 hidden elsewhere, but I'm kinda pissed. To get robbed of over $150, twice, by two bastards who had just gotten laid. Not cool. Now I feel like the John. Oh well, easy come, easy go.

Plus, since I was up all night and day, by the time I passed out and woke up, I was late for my doctor's appointment. Lame. Oh, plus EB Games sucks. I walked all the way down there Wednesday afternoon, and they aren't letting people reserve Wii's. And they wouldn't take my GameStop credit, even though they're the same company. They told me to go to GameStop which is out by the Zoo. (i.e. not walking distance) Oh well, there's a GameStop out by Katrina's. I'll have to check there. Okay, so crazy, huh? Hmm... I'm still unsure if I feel proud or ashamed. (Or how much of this I really should have disclosed.) Whatever. I think it's time for a drink. Maybe I should go to 'Divas.' Ohh! The hot tubs do sound nice right now.

Jami

Yea!!! I finally have a doctor's appointment.

Wed, 20 Sep 2006 22:29:47 GMT

Okay, so things have been too much fun lately so I'm just going to keep going through everything that's happened. So I'll just pick up where I left off last time.

Alright, so I head over to New Leaf and hear about their sliding scale. I'm told it starts at $45 (maybe I looked like I had an extra $5). But, the intake person also mentions that they don't offer prescriptions. This is a bit of a bummer, bur she refers me to the Tom Waddell clinic just up the street. So I get over there just after 2:00p as they accept new patients between 2:00p and 4:00p on Tuesday. (Convenient timing. Maybe I'm in the right place at... Yeah, you get it.) Okay, well the place is packed, and I explain to this appointment/receptionist person why I'm there. She tells me to take a number. I sit for over an hour waiting. When it's finally my turn, I'm told I was waiting in the wrong room. (Apparently along with two other people who were told to do the same.) Thanks receptionist lady. Okay, so I go to the TG clinic in the back. Unfortunately, it's now almost 4:00p and they explain they won't have time to speak with me, and tell me to come back next week. Next week! But I took the last of my Spiro and Provera on Sunday. Plus I only have enough Estraderm to last until this Sunday. Super weak. So they at least give me a list of other local clinics. Anyway, after meeting a cool person in the waiting room I'm in the mood to go hang-out with some like-minded individuals. So I walk to the Transgender Resources And Neighborhood Space. (In all sorts of the wrong direction. I think I walked at least five miles, up and down hills, yesterday.) Unfortunately, I get there just as they're closing and only have time to meet two people very briefly.

Alright, so it's time to trek back to my hotel, and call Katrina so we can meet (another) Katrina and goto the Citrus Club. (Mmm! The citrus club.) So I put on the outfit in my new pictures (probably a little much for dinner, but I was having Katrina drop me off at a club afterward) and meet Katrina around 9:00p. As always the Citrus Club totally rocks. And so do, (the other) Katrina, and her girlfriend Adryan. It was lots of fun. So we drop off Katrina (yeah, by now you should know which one) and Adryan, and I get a ride to Stud. I know. How cheesy. Well, it's 'Trannyshack' on Tuesday, I had to at least check-it-out once. Well, not again. When did Drag Queens become trannys. I mean this is SF. Aren't we more advanced then that. One is a hobby/fetish, the other is an identity. Seriously people, it's not that difficult. Plus, a room full of chasers and most are so damn timid they don't even talk to the ladys. (Or the guys dressed like ladys.) Well, there was one black guy who asked me to dance, but his idea of dancing, was slamming his pelvis against my ass, out of time. Seriously, I almost got sea sick. I mean, how the hell was I supposed to dance? So after about two minutes of that, I abandon him for another Whiskey and Coke from the bar. Plus, the DJ sucked. Again, this is SF. Aren't we more advanced than just playing songs back to back. Hey DJ! Have you ever heard of beat-matching? Shortly after, the horrible cheesy drag show begins, with a bunch of Tina Turner lip-syncing. At this point I'm done. Lots of screaming guys. All of it for bad drag. None of it for me.

So I walk to the store to get a cigarette. There some big black thuggish guy tried to convince me to join him in his van. Yeah, right. He claims he just wants to give me a ride home. Yeah, I'm sure it was some kind of ride he wanted to give me. So I walk. Now, being the tough punk bitch that I am, and knowing I'm going to have to cross Market past midnight, I've got my knife. So I just flick it open, and closed, open, and closed, as I walk. A few blocks later, another big black thuggish guy, this one on a corner. He starts chatting, and notices my knife. I decide to chill for a minute and be social. (What can I say? I like to test my limits.) Anyway, he offers me a cigarette, which I smoke, despite it being a menthol, and then he offers me some whiskey. Well, maybe he's not so bad after all. (No. Wait. He'll prove himself in a moment.) Well, the whiskey bottle ends up empty and I still want to drink. (See. I've never denied being a lush.) So he gives me a few bucks and tells me to walk to the corner store a block away. He also tells me to meet him in an alley after I get the bottle. HAHAHAHAHA!!!! Okay, so I walk to the store. It's closed. So I walk outside, to the end of the block he mentioned, and call his name. Hmm. No response. Oh well. So walk a few blocks down, see a restaurant still open, and enjoy a cheese sandwich instead. His loss. HAHA!!

So, I finish Carlos' cheese sandwich, (HAHA, no seriously I need to stop laughing, but, at least to me, it's still funny) and continue walking. About eight blocks from my hotel this young black guy starts asking questions. (Oh, and by the way. I have no problem with black guys, but I do find it odd they were the only ones giving me attention last night.) "Hey are you one of those Transsexuals?" Which of course I deny. (I mean come on it's like 1:30a. Who knows what might happen if I say yes?) Well, he starts acting really sweet, and asking if I want some company. I tell him he's not that lucky. Wish him well, and I'm on my way. Well, about two blocks later he catches up with me. Disclosing that he's actually bi. Hmm... we talk a little more. He asks if he can walk with me. Fine, fine, come on. So a few blocks later, he tells me he really loves queens like me. Hmm. Damn. No lying to this one. Well he seems sweet enough. Hmm... oh well, I was looking for company. Why not make this boy's night? So to be safe, the second we get in my room, I make him strip. I check all of his clothes. Nothing to be harmed by. I keep my knife under my pillow. We have fun. (You know, I didn't even consider until this morning, I'd never been with anyone of the African-American persuasion. I think I'll have to try it again.) So, I wake him up pretty early 8:00am, we go get some cigarettes, and bid farewell. Still, I think I might see him again. (Even though he's a little young. I probably shouldn't say how young. Wait, what's the age of consent in this state?)

Okay, so Wednesday. I luckily call the Castro-Mission clinic at just the right time (1:01pm) and get the one daily appointment for a new patient. YES! So tomorrow, at 2:00p, I get to meet with a primary care physician, who can direct me to a counselor, and apparently they can provide me with hormones. WHOO!!!! Okay, so now I'm going to go have a beer to celebrate, and then goto GameStop and preorder a Wii. (Only because I $242 in store credit from a PSP, some games, and some DVDs I traded in last month. Otherwise I would spend the money wisely. Besides, by the time it comes out in two months, I should have a place and a job, so I won't feel reckless.) Well kids, time for that beer.

Love you, miss you, bye,
Jami

I'm in the City. I'm in the City!!!

Tue, 19 Sep 2006 21:11:13 GMT

Oh yeah. So kids, guess what? Motha fuckin' Jami is in the motha fuckin' city. That's right!!! Umm... yeah, and it rocks. Let's see.

So I arrived Saturday evening, and got to meet Katrina, and then her girl Sarah. They're both totally cool. Sarah had to work at 11p though, so Katrina and I went out to a pool hall. Live punk, and an italian boy who felt the need to give me lots of attention. Not bad at all. Then we got really drunk. No like really drunk. We actually had Jack in the Box at like 1am and it took me a few hours in the morning to remember it. But it did the trick, because it sobered me up just enough to have a good time when Katrina and I got back to her place. (I leave that one open for your interpretation.)

Then we woke on Sunday, and went to get Sarah. She took us out for some really dank bagels. (She's so sweet!!!) But, when we got home, one of their roommates flipped out about my stuff in the front room. So Katrina and I cleaned up while Sarah got some sleep. Then a couple hours later he asked me why it was there. I told him because I was going to stay for a few days while I found a room to rent in the city. So he totally flipped. He started saying he was going to throw my stuff away, and that I had to get the hell out. So he goes upstairs, yells at Katrina, and then the two of us start working on a new place for me to stay. This leads to me calling like every room for rent, I can afford on craigslist. Unfortunately, no one on craigslist works quickly. So we find a hotel that's only $182 a week. Nothing glamorous (which I truly deserve) but at least it's clean and I have my own room. Plus it's only like eight or ten blocks from city center. (Nice because of the library, clubs, and all the social services.)

So that it for Sunday, right? HAHAHA!!! No way. So I decide to check out this local punk club. It totally rocks. I see one band that somehow reminds me of the White Stripes crossed with AFI. (Don't ask how that makes any sense.) Well, they're so good (and I'm so drunk) I decide to go outside to call Katrina. Well at nearly 11:30 I find a local pizza parlor serving fresh pizza by the slice. Of course, this I can not resist. Alright, so while munching on my mushroom pizza (everyone should know by now that I'm addicted to mushrooms, ALL SORTS) I call Katrina. After bragging about the awesome show, she tell's me her jerk roommate called the cops, to try and evict them for letting me spend the night. Well, apparently the cops just asked if they pay rent. Of course they do. So the cops tell him he has no say over whether or not they let people spend the night. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! What a dumbass. So again he flips out. Apparently, deciding he can no longer live with other people, and that he needs to move out. Sweeeeettt!!!!! No really, that's perfect. You see, Katrina and Sarah have been wanting him to move out so they can put the lease in their name and find a cool roommate. (Hmm... I wonder where they'll find one of those.) So now it looks like I'll be moving in and get to take his old room. (Not that I'd mind sharing theirs', but that's another subject. Besides, three girls in one room, would make for a lot of hair pulling. :)

Anyway, so after the phone call, I wander back to the club. A new band is coming on with this dorky looking lead singer. Which means he's got to be good if he can get away with ignoring being fashionable. But no, he's not good, he's the SHIT!!! Like seriously. I have never seen anyone make a guitar do things like that. I mean I am a huge Hendrix fan, and this guy was like the punk equivalent of Jimi. Needless to say, I'm still in awe. And, it's two days later. Before I head back to Martinez (where Katrina and Sarah's house is) I've got to stop by Amoeba and see if they have any of that band's CDs. Maybe I'll even make a torrent, and give you guys the link, so you can see what got me so wet. Okay, anyway, after a few more Whiskey and Cokes I stumble back to my room. Damn, my first night downtown, and I'm completely hooked.

Alright, so I wake up late Monday. (And as I read in the Guardian, everyone knows trannys sleep in and take forever to get ready.) So once I'm awake and made-up I walk to the library. (Oh, and go figure but this library is so pimpin'.) Anyway, so I find a cool local trans-support service, and decide to walk up there on Market and stop at the Virgin Megastore. Now for anyone who doesn't know, Market St. is the main hangout for all the drug dealers and hoes in SF. (i.e. Scared trannys don't come here.) So, on my walk I get hit on by a couple thugish black guys, and three coked-out Mexicans. One whose exact line was, "Damn baby. You so hot. You're all I got honey." Which is the shit, because these are the same guys who would threaten my life if I didn't pass. Anyway, I chill at Virgin for a while. (Weird, Virgin and I. Why is it those to words don't seem they should be in the same sentence?) Then I stop at Carl's Jr. for a couple fish tacos. (I know in a town with so many good local restaurants, why stop at Carl's Jr.? Well, because it was on the corner when I realized I was walking the wrong direction. And don't want to look like I'm walking in circles.) So while I'm there waiting for the one restroom stall, I run into this Mexican. He offers me a free line of coke. Hmm... what to do? (No really, you're going to be surprised.) Well, he wants me to join him in the bathroom. So, I decide against it. Who know what could have happened? I mean he was a little old mexican man, and I'm a punk tranny with a knife, but I didn't feel like being asked to blow for some blow. Well, maybe if he'd looked a little cleaner. Plus, since I was headed to try and meet a councelor, I didn't want to show-up all coked out of my brain. (I mean, come on. We all know the Mexicans have the good shit. Well, them and the Colombians. Okay, and the Peruvians. Alright, maybe it's just everyone from south-of-the-border.) So I swing by New Leaf and they tell me to come back on Tuesday, between 10a-2p, when someone will be available. Alright, so now it's time to get back to drinking.

So I swing by a local liquor store, grab some Old Crow, (which now reminds me of Ferret) and go home to take a nap. (What? It was hot, and I did a lot of walking.) So I sleep for about five hours and wake-up in time to party. Well, almost early enough. You see I really wanted to go see Dirty Sanchez, but he was spinning at a club that was probably about a 45 minute walk away, and his set ended at 12:00. Well, since I wasn't ready until 11:00p it seemed like a long walk for not much music. Anyway, so I swing by a Thai restaurant (which is still open, rock on) and have the spiciest pan-fried noodles I've ever tasted. So good! Alright, well on the way there I saw a gay bar and figured it was time for ALOT of attention. So after eating, I head back over there. Ends up, it's an asian gay bar (apparently the first in the city when it opened). Well, I got the attention I wanted. It was karaoke night (HAHA!!) and I think I was serenaded by about a dozen guys. So sweet. So then I sang 'Genie in a Bottle' for them. I really wanted to sing 'Don't Cha' (and change the lyrics to boyfriend), or 'My Humps,' or 'Now, I Want To Be Your Dog,' or 'Rebel Rebel.' But, no! The karaoke host in a gimp suit didn't have any of those. Oh, well. All the boys loved the "You've got to rub me the right way" line. Okay, so again, I stumble back to my room drunk.

Now, it's Tuesday, I'm about to head to the support center. Apparently, they have cheap (maybe free) councelours who give prescriptions (which I hear also are cheap or free). So cool. And later tonight, Katrina, Sarah, and I are supposed to meet with another cool gurl and go out to dinner. Oh yeah. Watch out SF. Well kids, thanks for reading. (Yeah, right. Like anyone really read all of that.) Anyway, just know I'm having obscene amounts of fun, and I'll be in touch.

With love,
Jami

True Art

Sat, 16 Sep 2006 05:05:29 GMT

Hey-

Well, I'm moving out and I'm not getting me deposit back. (Thanks to my "friend" who destroyed a bunch of things, and my ex who only paid $700 of the $1800 worth of rent she agreed to.) So since this wall already had one hole, I decided to make art of it. What do you think?

Jami

New Photos

Thu, 14 Sep 2006 21:45:45 GMT

Well, I've been promising you new photos, and now they're online. So check them out and let me know what you think. And, thanks go out to my awesome photographer, Lu. It was her idea to use black and white film, and I think it worked well. Oh, and we scanned the photos, and I was in a rush, so I haven't cropped the edges. So yeah, my bad.

Jami

(Oh, and sorry this post is so long, but I figured it was better than just putting links.)

----- See, I can look innocent. -----

----- What can I say? I like to blow. -----

----- Careful, I bite. -----

----- I knew you were dying to get between my legs. -----

----- Trouble is brewing. -----

----- Thankfully, I no longer have a gag reflex. -----

----- Where the fuck is my brush!? -----

----- I love beds. -----

----- Hey there. Don't you want to join me? -----

----- Oh yes!!! Fuck me harder!!! -----

----- You've been bad. Now you're going to get punished. -----

----- My most famous pose... passed out. -----

I miss my dogs!

Tue, 12 Sep 2006 00:27:31 GMT

Okay,

I get home after my last post to see that my dogs were pickup up by animal control. Lame. Apparently, my neighbor (the bastard) and my landlord (another bastard) told them I'd abandon them. Completely untrue, and they both knew that. I've stopped by there everyday to feed and play with them. So I called animal control in tears, explaining they essential stole my dogs, and the explained that since they had already been booked in the pound, they are now the property of the county. Now, if I want them back they're up to $116 each (as of tomorrow, it's too late today) plus that goes up $14 a day. So, since I'm done with this town, I just had a yard sale and sold everything I own (expect my clothes, and CDs). So if I can make amends with my family, either in Washington or in Illinois, then I'll save at least Rex (because I've had him for years, and I'd only had Saber for a few months), but if it ends up I'm bumming around town crashing on peoples couches (which is what I've been doing for two weeks now) then I can't very well expect people to expect me and my 70lb pitbull. But he's so sweet! Aahhhh!!! This is so unfair. So yeah, nearly everything in this town for me is now gone. I quit my job. Gave notice at my house. Had my DJing equipment, computer, and stereo stolen. My dogs have been picked up. And I've sold everything I owned I couldn't carry. Well, I guess things can only get better. Right? Please!

What next?
Jami

My Officer Father

Fri, 08 Sep 2006 19:17:57 GMT

Well, my Mom and my Dad spoke. Yeah, great. I hadn't come-out to my Dad yet (he lives in Illinois and has a new wife and daughter) but my Mom was kind enough to disclose everything. I love it when other people speak for me. (Disgusting amounts of sarcasm implied.) Well, at least he seems understanding. He claims he still loves me and want to be supportive. (Yeah, I've heard that before. We'll see how long before it wears off.) Oh, and I heard from my Mom. You see I've been trying to speak with a local counselor to fulfill her stupid ultimatum, but all counselors covered by our county medical program are overbooked, and I'd be waiting 6-8 weeks to speak with someone. Anyway, I explained this to her and she said if I didn't see someone here I'd still need to volunteer for an inpatient program if I want to see the family. Again, not going to happen. I'm not a junkie. Why would I go to a month long dry out clinic. So I explained if I'm going to be here for 6-8 weeks, I'll get a job, get a place, and then have no reason to move. Either that, or if my Dad actually wants to help and is being rational (i.e. no inpatient demands) then maybe I'll go spend some time with his side of the family. I mean a free place, free food, and some family would be pretty cool. He only lives like 45 minutes from St. Louis (not that I'm a big fan) but he's also relatively close to Chicago (which could be fun, in time). I mean, maybe I could spend some time with him, save money, and then relocate wherever (Chicago, Seattle, SF, New York, LA, San Diego, who knows). Anyway, that's the update, thoughts are always appreciated.

In Limbo,
Jami

The Rollercoaster of My Life Hits a New Low

Thu, 07 Sep 2006 21:49:00 GMT

Okay, I've really got to stop being happy now and then. It's such a setup for disappointment. So yeah, I haven't been home much lately, for numerous reasons (first the Mr Fears thing, plus since I thought I was moving I had the power disconnected) but, yesterday I stopped there to feed my dogs. Well, guess what. My house was broken into and all my DJing equipment, along with my computer, and my stero are now gone. Plus my asshole thug neighbor has been threatening to do just that. But of course the cops around here are too busy to even stop by and file a report. Three hours after my 911 call I received a return call to provide information over the phone. Apparently that's the best they can do. Oh, and they suggested I check the local pawn shops. Okay, my neighbor is a stupid asshole, but not that stupid. He moved here from Chicago and envisions himself as a crime lord. He's got all these stupid tweakers who work for him, and I'm sure one of them was willing to trade him another bag of meth for my heart and soul. I mean seriously, they stole the one way I have to truly express myself. All my originals are now gone, the DJing gigs I was working on (at an art show, at a drag show, and bookings at a couple local clubs) are gone, and I'm at a loss for words. Plus I tried explaining the situation to my Mom, and I mentioned if she hadn't lied to me none of this would have happened. So she flipped-out and hung-up on me. But seriously, I could have (a) continued taking care of myself, or (b) moved like she'd agreed. But no, I trust her, and this is what I get. Damn it! Seriously, can you trust anyone on this fucking planet. Hmm... my wife tells me be myself for five years, so I do, she leaves. My ex agrees to pay her share of the bills, but she doesn't and then bails. My neighbor who claimed he wanted to protect our block, robs me. And of course, my fucking mother. Yeah, thankfully I still have my knife. I have to go home today to look for paperwork with serial numbers and I swear if he even knocks on the door, I'm slitting his throat in self defense. Seriously Ezra, just give me a fucking excuse. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!

Bleeding,
Jami

Just a quick update

Wed, 06 Sep 2006 21:43:02 GMT

Hey-

Well, I have to be quick as I only have a few minutes on this library computer. Okay, I have confirmed the 'Mr. Fears' program is voluntary for anyone eighteen or older. So yeah, no chance in hell I'll be there. They would have to prove me mentally incompetant which won't happen. (I mean I was holding down a full-time electrician job and had a home of my own until my family asked me to give them up.) I've also spoken with my Aunt who was really cool. She didn't know my Mom was trying to send me to an inpatient clinic. She also agrees it's unneccessary, and since she and my Mom are close her supportive opinion may make all the difference. She suggested I signup for Medi-Cal so I can see a local therapist to prove how well I'm doing. (This will also be good because I'm almost out of hormones.) So now, I'm eligable to speak with any local counselors who accept CMSP (a form of Medi-Cal) plus I've found a local Mobile Medical Unit which offers free counseling, so I'll be calling them later today. Plus, in recent emails from my Mom and my Aunt it seems that if I do this local counselor thing (fine by me) then I may be welcomed to Washington. And seriously, it won't take long for my family to see how well I'm doing if they give me the opportunity to prove myself. I mean seriously, right now, I rock. It kicks ass passing everyday. Life as a hot girl is so much fun. Getting hit on, being taken out to eat, being bought new clothes, free drinks at the bar, like damn this rocks. Okay enough happiness for one moment, I am 'The Pessimist' after all. Well kids, thanks for all the support. It's nice things are looking up. I'll try and keep in touch. Oh, and those pictures I promised will hopefully be online tonight or tomorrow.

With dirty sticky love,
Jami

Mr. Fears - Interventionist

Sun, 03 Sep 2006 22:25:08 GMT

Oh shit. Things just keep getting more fucked up. Last night I called my Mom. We argued. She's still wishing for me to regress, which will NEVER HAPPEN.

So this morning a therapist called. I had agreed with my Mom to talk to a counselor, just so I can get all of the necessities taken care of. But, this therapist starts asking me about my drug problem. Apparently, my Mom had said I have been doing a bunch of drugs and not sleeping. I have no clue where she came up with that crap. Umm... I very rarely do drugs. I don't do any of them habitually, and I haven't bought any drugs since last year. So anyway, I talk to her (the therapist) for a while and I explain I only agreed to speak with a counselor regarding trans-issues. So she asks a few questions and then we're done. I'm assuming that's that. HAHAHA!

So a few hours later I get another phone call and another "therapist." This one introduces himself as Nathan Fears. Again, questions about drugs. Again I explain there is nothing to be discussed, unless a social trip to the bar now requires counseling. So he starts mentioning how my Mom has agreed to come pick-up my stuff and my dogs. Hmm... no mention of me. So I start wondering, where are they planning on me going? Curiouser and curiouser. We finally get to trans-issues, he starts asking questions like this is some sort of fetish. Then it starts sounding like he's enjoying hearing me explain myself, like in the wrong dirty-old-man kind of way. Anyway, we finish the conversation, and I continue wondering what the hell my family has planned for me. So a friend does a little researching for me. Turns out, Mr. Fears is an interventionist who handles in-patient care for drug addicts. What the fuck!? I guess they specialize in transportation and behavior modification. You can see his website here, http://www.877kickit4.com/index.asp.

So now I get it. She's given everyone this BS drug story so they can try and put me in an inpatient program to modify my behavior. To me, it's like my stupid Catholic family is trying to brain wash me. I'm in shock. I can't think straight. Days ago they were supposed to be here to help me move. Now they're trying to have me picked up like some kind of junkie. They hardly know me. I'm no junkie. For years I had smoked pot every other hour. That was no big deal for them. But now I hardly ever do anything (there's just too much on my mind to cloud my thoughts) but since I've come out they want me picked up. I never would have expected such a reaction. Sure, being shunned, treated poorly, looked down upon, judged, and other undeserved treatment, but locked up? I'm still in shock. I'm not even sure if I should remain in contact with them. So now I'm staying with friends and haven't given out my address, but to have to hide is just fucked. So I have no idea what the hell I'm doing. I still want to see my family. But is this just another example of self destructive behavior? What to do, what to do.

In Pain with Fear-
Jami

Kaos

Sat, 02 Sep 2006 21:55:33 GMT

Life sucks. I've been completely abandoned by my family that claimed to be supportive. Apparently, it's too expensive and too time consuming to help me move the way they'd agreed. So now I've given notice at my house, quit my jobs, and been left stranded. Thankfully, I have cool friends and one has been letting me stay at her house. Still, I can't imagine how my mother is justifying what she's doing. To ask me to cut all ties and be prepared to move, only to then back out, seems unforgivable. I'm still waiting for her to call and apologize while telling me she's on her way, but it seems completely unlikely. So, what the hell? I feel like I have nothing left to lose. I want to go downtown and work a corner for some quick money. I mean could it be any worse than the rest of my life? At least I'd feel momentarily loved (albeit in the worst possible way). Whatever. Well, on the bright side, passing has become entirely common. I'm now able to use the girl's restroom and the ladies' changing room. No one even thinks twice. Plus, I got an awesome outfit to goto see Hedwig last night. New boots, black leggings, a corset, and a short skirt. Don't worry, photos will be online soon.

With love, to my real family, those of the extended internet variety,
Jami

My Wife

Tue, 29 Aug 2006 06:29:16 GMT

Weird. I just got off the phone with my (would be ex-) wife. She moved out in January, sent me divorce papers a few months ago, and then called today being very sentimental. It's also really weird because I'll be headed to Washington to see family, and that's where she lives now. Apparently, she had a dream about me, and she mentioned I looked really beautiful. I'm not sure what either of us want from each other. It would be cool to be friends, but maybe more? I didn't want our relationship to end, but she wasn't comfortable with how I was maturing. So... I explained this is how it was going to be, and a couple days later she picked a fight, hit me a couple times, and bailed to Washington. Still, now she sounds like she misses me. So, I think we're going to hang-out when I'm up north. But I really have no idea what to expect. Like I said, weird.

Jami

What a fun weekend

Mon, 28 Aug 2006 03:44:49 GMT

Sweet, I had a good weekend. There was virtually no drama. I'm amazed.

First, Friday night I walked to Target and bought some new clothes. Whoo! I'd received a free gift card at work. (All the employees got one. They were safety gifts for not having any at-work injuries.) So yeah, new clothes. Whoo! Oh, and I stopped at Longs for some liquor. (You know, just the necessities.)

Then Saturday, I hung out with Lou. We went to the bar and drank a bunch of Kamikazes. ($1 specials rock!) Then we went to Denny's after last call. It was fun. While we were waiting for our food, we went outside so I could smoke, and this really drunk guy tried bumming a cigarette. I told him I thought I was out, so he offered me a bill for one. I figured a cigarette for a buck would be fine. Then he gave me a twenty. So I put it in my pocket (kinda assuming he didn't know it was a twenty.) Then a moment later he mentioned how he'd better enjoy his $20 cigarette. (I still can't believe he willingly gave me $20 for one cigarette.) Then he told Lou and I, that he either wanted to fuck us, or kill us. Weird. How many times a week do I need to be told someone wants to kill me? Anyway, just about then his friends grabbed him and started dragging him home.

So, we came back to my house to hang-out, and my thuggish neighbor decided to show up. Apparently he wanted to get drunk. So I gave him a few shots of Seagram's Seven in exchange for a line of blow. Wow, it had been too long. That was fun. Then he proceeded to tell me how he had wanted to kill me. (Again, with the death treats. I mean, come on.) Oh, and he mentioned he should just rob me. (Since, thanks to Tyler, the garage is still broken.) Anyway, I gave him the sweet mellow-out treatment, and he finally calmed down and went home. Then somewhere around 4am I passed-out on the couch, and Lou was cool enough to leave me a really sweet note when she left.

So I woke up at 10:30 on the couch, ate some cereal, and watched a little TV, before realizing how tired I still was. So I stumbled to bed, and caught another hour of sleep. Then I got up, and walked to the mall (about three miles away) to trade-in some old DVDs and games. (I even used the girls restroom there, just like at Denny's the night before. And no one complained. Whoo!) So, before leaving I had some fish, and a salad, before trekking three miles home. But, damn all that walking felt good.

So it's awesome to have had a nice weekend. It feels like it's been forever. Still, it's bitter/sweet. I think I've decided to head to Washington next weekend, so I'm going to miss my friends. Especially Nic at work, and Lou, who I've really enjoyed hanging out with lately. Sigh! She keeps reminding me how she always meets the coolest people just before they leave. I totally understand. It's lame. But, oh well. What can I do?

Anyway, so I guess I'm counting the days until I leave this town. Saturday should be the day. Well, on the bright side, maybe I'll make it to Seattle in time for Bumbershoot. I'd really like to catch AFI and Lady Sovereign, but they play Saturday, and I don't think I'll get there early enough. Maybe I'll go checkout Kanye West on Sunday, or Tribe Called Quest and The Briefs on Monday. Hey, maybe I can even convince one of my (plentiful) family members to take me. Whoa. That would rock.

Jami